(no subject)

I want to die or something. I'm falling apart at the seems. I wish I had someone to talk to. I hate that he can do this to me. Whyyyyyyy.

(no subject)

So tomorrow will be a month broken up.


I keep blaming myself and I realized I wasn't committed to him, maybe I gave up too easily, and let him go without having patience. And yes there are things I will do better next time, but I still can't forget I was always patient with him, but there were just things he did to me that were unacceptable.

Gahhhhh I miss the fun we always had. We ALWAYS had fun. Fuck...

(no subject)

It doesn't get any easier does it.

I still havent updated about the Jay Z concert, but I dnno if it's worth it anymore. I'm so bummed.

(no subject)

Wow, this guy is a fucking jerkoff.

I'm on the verge of hating him and I have to be with him all day on Friday.

THIS should be interesting...

Pros & Cons

I made a list. Just as expected, the cons outweigh the pros hilariously. But then I look at the pros list and I question, 'aren't those the things I want in a man?!'

I'm becoming more and more bitter about him as the days go by. He can make it seem like a huge waste of time or a huge loss and I hate that he does this to me.

(no subject)

I dunno how Saturday ended up being so PERFECT.

We were so close to getting back together and then Sunday was so weird and terrible. I'm fucking over this dude.

things are moving along...

Last night I was attending a mutual friend's bday party and it was so weird not being next to him or up on him at a party. I hid it so well, but I wanted to be with him or close to him so bad. That ass almost didnt hug me goodbye either. Anyways, I've been up to my wit's end with this boy and I really don't have time to stress about it. I just wanted to know if he loved me or not. I wanted to hear that he didn't, that's all I needed. It would've hurt, but I needed to hear it to get over it.

He said "I dunno" though. With a smile.

He does.

Back on the LJ

I will devote this to my daily ramblings now. Too many thoughts and too lazy/too poor to see a therapist.

I am so fucking confused about my ex right now. I know this is normal, but god damn... it is a double-edge sword. I know we're perfect for one another, but we are absolutely not perfect candidates for a relationship. Isn't that weird!? I don't want a relationship with him, unless he proves to me he can handle that responsibility and concern. It's not a complicated concept, but he is a typical guy and fucks it up. Did I mention he was one of my best friends? I was worried we wouldn't be the same bff's we were, but it's gradually going back to normal. We seem to have unspoken resentment toward each other. We bicker even as friends. It must bother him, but it doesn't bother me. I feel like it keeps us close. Like I said I do not want a relationship with him at this point, but god damnit.... I want him. Sex isn't that important to me. That's not what I want or need. I just need him. It makes no sense, but I guess I'm not ready to let him go.

He'll never openly say it, but I know he loves me.

And I still love him.
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed

(no subject)

I'm SO FUCKING PISSED. I want to murder someone.

I just fucking walked, I fucking POWERWALKED to get to the bus that leaves at 12:20. I only had less than ten minutes to get there and this fuckn house is freaking country away from the bustop. So i get to the bustop, I'm out of breath I feel like i'm gonna throw up. I sit down, I'm waiting for about three minutes. I look up, THE FUCKING BUS DRIVES BY! It doesnt stop for me. WTF WTF. I just walked all the way up to the bustop ONTIME, mind you, ONLY FOR IT TO FUCKING DRIVE BY ME. So then I had to walk ALL THE WAY BACK HOME. I'm so angry. I'm so angry. You can never rely on anyone for any fucking thing. This is how its gonna be for me. Its funny because I bend my fucking back for people and go out of MY WAY to do something for them and if I ever need anything it's always some kind of hassle. God hates me. This shit always happens. I fucking hate people. Don't speak to me for a couple of days.

I could be driving by now. I could have a job by now. I could be at some other school by now. I could be HAPPY by now. Could, being the operative word. And whyyyy this choice of word? I live in house of fucking Natzis and selfish idiots. It's not right...I swear they'll regret this.